Jeanette's World

Chapter 9 Our first telephone conversation

2008-08-26T07:05:00.001-07:00

Merlin is allowed phone calls.
PTSD By Proxy
Chapter 9: Our first telephone conversation. by earthlybeing

Background
Last chapter Merlin was in the VA Medical center and I began calling in to check on his status.

Around midday I called the hospital and was told Merlin was doing well. They had started him on some antidepressants and he was going to begin classes and group therapy. I was not sure how that was going to work as he was so withdrawn. I asked if I could speak with him today and the nurse said that he would be allowed to begin taking calls by Thursday, if all went well between now and then. I asked if I could call back later in the evening for an update, the nurse said that would be fine.

Carol, my friend at work, was such a great support. She called me through the day, checking to see how I was holding up.The day dragged on slowly. I was tired and worn out. I finally left for home about five and stopped off to get something to eat on the way.
About eight that evening I called to check on Merlin again, and was told he had already gone to bed. He was doing as well as was expected. I asked, when they expect he would be coming home. The nurse said it was going to be a long while, he had a lot of things to get taken care of while he was there. She indicated that it was going to be over thirty days, if he responded to treatment as expected. I was dumbstruck.

I knew that was the amount of time Perry had stayed. I guess in my mind, he was not going to be there that long.

The week rolled on with me not being able to get more than a couple hours of sleep a night. My house was seeing the improvement, as I began to do some painting and wallpaper. I had to stay busy. By the time Thursday came, I was physically worn out. I could't wait to see if I could call him that evening. Early Thursday morning I called the ward nurse. She informed me he would be able to take calls, and she gave me the 800 number to the patient pay phone. She said they were allowed to receive calls between six and nine in the evenings. I couldn't wait until that evening so I could hear his voice, and see how he sounded first hand.

The day flew by. I kept busy and then rushed home to get ready for the call. I dialed at six sharp, but the number was busy. I called again in a few minutes and it was still busy. I kept calling for what felt like forever. Frantically I kept calling every few minutes. I was so afraid I would not get through in time. Finally, about ten minutes to nine I got my call in.

"Hello."

"May I speak with Merlin Broussard?"

"Hold on let me get him."

In the background I could hear talking, and the guy calling "Merlin, telephone".

A few seconds later I heard his voice.

"Hello."

"Merlin, how are you doing? I've been trying to get through since six."
"Oh baby, it is so good to hear your voice. Can you come and pick me up tomorrow. I signed myself out. I can't stay here. I'm locked up all the time. I think I'm losing my mind in here."

"You're coming home? Did the doctor tell you it was okay? The nurse told me this morning you weren't ready to come home."

"I don't care what the doctor says, I signed myself out. I'm coming home."

"I was planning to come and visit tomorrow afternoon anyway. So I'll be there. What time do I need to pick you up?"

"Noon will be fine, if you can make it here by then."

"How are you feeling? Have you had any dreams since you're there? What about your depression are you feeling any better?"

"I'm okay. I just can't stand being locked up. They said I would probably get some free time by the beginning of the week. Some of the guys here can go out and walk on the ground. If I had that privilege it wouldn't be so bad. I met a guy from Lake Charles who is in here also. He's real nice. His name is Tyler and he thinks I should stay, but I told him I have to get out of here."

"Okay, if that's what you want. I can't stop you, but if they are helping you maybe you could stay a few more days and see how it goes?"

"You don't know how hard it is here. They won't let me watch TV. I don't have a radio. So all I have to do all day, is sit and look at the walls."

"I thought you had some classes you were taking>"

"Yes, but that's only a couple hours a day. The food is terrible. It tastes like nothing, it is so bland. Some of these guys are violent, so you have to watch your back. One of the guys got punched in the mouth in the elevator yesterday. Some guy stole Allen's shoes and they got in a fight over that. It's bad."

"I'll be there tomorrow to pick you up. You have to promise me that you won't stop seeing about the PTSD. I have insurance from work. You have to promise you will let me make an appointment locally to see about this."

"I'll do that. But I can't stay here. Baby I have to go. The nurse is saying it's curfew time so I have to get to my room. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, I love you, see you tomorrow."

I hung up and started crying. I just know in my heart, if he comes home tomorrow he will never go back for treatment. Legally I have no way of making him stay. Even if I did can I do that to him?

Author Notes
Thanks for reading. All help is appreciated. Thanks, Jeanette

I Tell the Family about the PTSD and Hospital (by Jeanette)

2008-08-11T21:59:00.001-07:00

Chapter 8

I tell the family about the PTSD and hospital.
PTSD By Proxy
For all who still suffer.

By Jeanette

Background
This is a true story about our struggle with PTSD. Last chapter Merlin was admitted to the VA Medical center in Alexandria and I was not allowed to see him before he was escorted away by two police officers..

Lost in my tears, worry and misery I never noticed a man approaching me until he spoke my name.

"Jeanette? Are you all right?"

I looked up and it took me several moments to realize it was Perry, a friend of Merlin's from our home town. Trying to wipe my eyes, and speak at the same time proved to be of no help. The tears just kept pouring out.

Perry sat down next to me, and between sobs, I explained what had happened.

"I'm waiting on the DAV van to take me back home. I can let them know, and ride back with you, if you would like. I don't think you should be driving back alone," Perry offered.

"Oh, I don't want to cause any problems."

"Nonsense, it's not a problem at all. It would be my pleasure to ride back with you. Besides, I have been in the unit for PTSD, and we can talk about it on our way home."

"Really, I didn't know that. I never heard of PTSD until yesterday."

"Not many people know. I don't talk about it much. Most people don't understand it and they start acting different towards you when you tell them you have PTSD."

"Oh, I'm sorry and that must be awful," I said, and began sobbing again.

"Let's go grab a Coke or something, and then we can leave when you are ready."

I stood and Perry led the way to the canteen. We stopped by the area where the DAV driver waited, and Perry explained that he was going to ride home with me. We purchased each a Coke, and found a bench outside in a shady spot to sit and drink our Cokes. I started asking Perry questions as we sat there.

"Merlin said he would be coming home, that he could sign himself out. Is that true?" I asked.

"Yes, they have a mandatory period of evaluation after that you can sign yourself out. I said the same thing when they admitted me. Hopefully, he will do like me and stay so they can adjust any medications they put him on. He will also be able to sign up for classes while he's here. Stuff like anger management, dealing with depression, social interactions. They were really helpful to me. They are going to try to get him to attend some of them. If everything works out, he's in the right place to get help. You'll see this is going to be a good thing."

"I...I guess but I am just so shocked. I never expected they'd escort him away like a criminal being arrested. They even searched him. It was officers from the Rapids Parish police," I sobbed.

"Yes, they did that to me. It is just a precautionary thing. They don't want any weapons or drugs in that ward. They have to make sure he is not going to try and hurt himself or anyone else. Even it he doesn't want to hurt anyone, if others got their hands on a weapon they may use it."

"I guess I can understand. It was all just very shocking."

After we finished our drinks we headed to the car. On the way, I asked questions, and Perry told me about the PTSD program.

"How long did you have to stay?" I asked.

"I was here for two weeks, but I spent six more weeks in Little Rock. They have a great PTSD program there and many guys are sent to Little Rock."

"Do you think they will send him to Little Rock?"

"It depends. There was an open bed in that program when I was here, so I was sent there. Sometimes they don't have any open beds in Little Rock. They have a program in New Orleans also. I didn't want to go there. It is down town and there's no out door areas. I would have died being cooped up for that long without going outside. In Little Rock it's kind of like Alexandria. They have beautiful grounds and once you get past the initial assessment and they give you privileges you have more freedom and can walk around outside. It was very nice there. The last week they will ask you to attend some sessions. It's so that you can be aware of the signs of depression and it will also cover his medications and teach you about PTSD. If you can make it, I would say it would be worth while to attend."

"Wow, that's nice to know. I have this number they gave me to the nurse's desk in building nine. I was going to call with a lot of questions, but you are answering many now. Thanks for riding home with me, and for taking time to explain all this."

"Don't mention it. It's my pleasure to help out. If you need me to ride back with you this weekend just let me know."

"Thanks Perry, I appreciate the offer. If he's still here, and I need some help, I'll give you a call."

About an hour and fifteen minutes later I dropped Perry at his house and headed home.

I had calls to make to the children and family. I was nervous about how I was going to explain all this to them. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea about what was going on. Perry's comments about people acting different had me nervous. What if they all started treating him different? Merlin would never forgive me then.

Once home I took a long hot bath, got dressed and then sat down to make the calls. The first one I called was Glenn, Merlin's son.

"Hello."

"Hey, Glenn, it's Jeanette. We drove down to the VA Medical center in Alexandria today and they admitted your dad to the hospital."

"Really, why did they keep him?"

"The sleep doctor, Dr. Martinez said he has something called PTSD. He said that's what's making him have the bad dreams. The ER doctor said they wanted to put him in to see if he had PTSD and to treat him for his depression."

"When are the visiting hours there and how long does the drive take?"

"It is about an hour and fifteen minutes one way. Don't take off work though, because he can't have visitors until Friday afternoon late. You may as well wait until Saturday and then you will have more time to visit. He may be out before then."

"Why can't he have visitors?"

"They said it is normal procedure and they want to get him settled in, evaluated and adjusted to medication before he starts having visitors. I have a number to the nurse's desk. I was going to call a little later and I can let you know what they say. If you want the number to call yourself I can give it to you."

"No, that's fine. No use if we both call. Just let me know what they say. Was he angry when they told him he had to stay?"

"I didn't get to talk to him by myself after they told him. I'm sure I'll hear it later though."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll hear it all right. You know how he gets. Just let me know when you talk to the nurse's station, and if you need anything just give me a call."

"Okay, will do."

I hung up and made the rest of the calls, getting pretty much the same questions on each call. Amy, my daughter, insisted on coming over to talk. After I finished all of the calls, I drank a cup of coffee and then made the call to the nurse's station to check on him.

"Building nine third floor nurse's station, how may I help you?"

"Hello, my name is Jeanette Broussard and my husband is Merlin Broussard. He was admitted earlier today. I was calling to check on him?"

"Let's see...Merlin Broussard. His nurse is Sally Johnson. Hold on I'll ring her for you."

"This is Sally, how may I help you?"

"Hi Sally, this is Jeanette Broussard, Merlin Broussard's wife. I was calling to check on how he is doing?"

"Oh Hello Ms. Broussard, Merlin is doing well. We have assigned him a room and he is currently speaking with the psychologist. Once his evaluation is complete he will be assigned to one of the treating physicians. The results of the evaluation will determine which doctor he is assigned to. Each one deals with specific issues. From there we will encourage him to begin attending classes that will help him prepare for his return home. These classes cover things like stress management, anger management. They provide him with the tools to help him deal with everyday life and issues. We will get him started on any prescribed medication for depression and anxiety and get that regulated. Do you have any other questions I can answer?"

"Not really, except how is he reacting to all this?"

"To be honest, he's just quiet now. He seems to be handling it well."

"Okay, that is what I was worried about. Thanks for your help."

"Not a problem, anytime you are concerned you can give me a call. If I am away from my desk, just leave me a message and I will return the call as soon as possible."

I hung up the phone, and made calls again to let everyone know how he was doing. Amy arrived and we visited for several hours. After she left I tried to sleep but no sleep would come that night. I just kept seeing him being escorted away like a common criminal. Getting up from bed, I decided now was a good time to do some house work. Maybe, if I wore myself out, I could sleep. I decided to tackle going through the drawers and closet. Finally at about four in the morning, I jumped in the shower. When my head hit the pillow a half an hour later I zonked out. A short two hours later I was up and getting dressed for work.

It sure is going to be a long week until I can see him on Friday afternoon.

Like a Common Criminal (By Jeanette)

2008-08-10T21:10:00.002-07:00

Chapter 7

Like a Common Criminal

By Jeanette

Background
Last chapter Merlin was diagnosed with PTSD by a sleep center doctor and advised to go to the VA Medical center in Alexandria Louisiana for help.

"PTSD is an anxiety disorder. Many war veterans will develop PTSD because of exposure to the events they have experienced during war. Every day that you were in the jungles in Vietnam was an ordeal in which you could have received grave physical harm or death at any time. You saw your friends killed or critically injured day after day. Yet you had to continue on. You had to bag the bodies, or load the injured on a chopper and then you were expected to go straight back into the jungle and continue on as though nothing had happened. This left a mark on our minds. We may not know it in waking hours as most of us were trained to block it out. However, at night you can't control you mind and it all comes flooding back to you in your dreams," explained Dr. Martinez.

"Doctor, why haven't we heard about this before?" I asked.

"Well, I'm sure you have. However it has been given many names through the years. Shell shock, combat fatigue, PTSD, it is all the same disorder. The government and the VA haven't done their duty in informing our veterans about this disease. Sadly many veterans have the problem and begin drinking or doing drugs in an attempt to self medicate. For many it is the only way they can get a decent night's sleep or deal with the problems. You need to go down to the VA hospital in Alexandria and see a doctor in the emergency room. I am going to give you a copy of the tape to bring with you and a letter. The VA is responsible for helping you with this disorder. This country put you in the situation that caused the problem and they need to help you with it."

Merlin just sat there like he was dumbstruck. He was trying to absorb what we were being told. Finally he looked at Dr. Martinez and said, "But Doc, I'm not crazy."

"No, Mr. Broussard, you aren't crazy. Having PTSD doesn't mean you are crazy. It is a disorder like any other medical disorder and it is treated with a combination of medication and therapy. You are by no means crazy. Don't ever let that thought cross you mind."

"Doctor Martinez, I went down and filed for Merlin's medical benefits a couple of weeks ago. They said we would receive a letter about their decision in about six to eight weeks. We still have not heard from them. Are they going to see him without that?"

"They have to. They can't turn him away. I will get everything together for you. My advice is to get over there as soon as possible. The sooner they begin treatment, the sooner your quality of life can begin to improve Mr. Broussard."

We waited while the nurse typed up the letter and made an additional copy of the tape. Dr. Martinez had also given us a prescription of a b-pap machine. When all was in order we left the office and headed to the location to pick up the b-pap machine. Once there they were going to come to the house and set it up about three that afternoon and show Merlin how it worked. We picked up some lunch on the way home and headed back to wait on the delivery.

Merlin was very quiet all the way home. Finally I asked him, "Do you want to go down to the VA tomorrow and see what they tell us?"

"I guess, but they may not see me."

"Well, we can at least try, if they turn us away then we can go back after the letter comes in."

That afternoon the b-pap unit was delivered. That night, Merlin began getting used to sleeping with the mask. He did well with it. He did say it took some getting used to it; however for me it was great. He never did snore and there was no more waking up with him gasping for breath.

The next morning we were up early and left for the VA which was a little more than an hour away from our house. When we arrived we had to ask where the emergency room was as the hospital had changed since my father had been there several years earlier. We finally found the check in desk for the ER and I signed him in and spoke to the nurse behind the counter. She made a copy of his DD and driver's license as well as a copy of the letter Dr. Martinez had sent. I handed her the tape from the sleep center. We sat in the waiting area for about forty minutes and then they called his name. I got up to accompany him to the exam room but was told I would have to wait in the sitting area out front.

I sat there and waited not so patiently. I paced the floor at times and flipped through a magazine.

"Ms. Jeanette Broussard, please report to hall three nurses desk. Ms. Jeanette Broussard, please report to hall three nurses desk," was called over the intercom.

I made my way to the check in desk and asked where hall three was and the nurse's station and they directed me to it. When I entered the door there were the Doctor and two officers searching Merlin. I was shocked and in a panic.

"What is going on?" I asked.

Merlin answered first, "I have to stay here, but I'll be home in forty-eight hours. They said I can check myself out then."

The officers finished patting him down and they escorted him the back of a patrol car waiting just outside some sliding doors to our left. I started to follow and the Doctor informed me I couldn' t go with them. After the door had closed he said they were taking him to the building nine and that I was not allowed to see him for the first five days. In shock I began asking questions.

"What exactly do you think the problem is and how long are you going to keep him here?" I asked.
By now I was in tears.

What had I done? He was being treated like a common criminal and my heart was breaking to see it.
Dr. Gray sat down in his office with me and explained what was going on.

"Ms. Broussard, I am concerned for your husband's safety. Some of the questions he answered tell me he has thoughts about suicide and I just want to make sure he is not a danger to himself. We will evaluate him and make sure he is not. You can call every day and check on his progress and his condition. Friday if he is still here you will be allowed to visit and he will be allowed to make and receive calls after eight every evening.

"Doctor, he also has a b-pap unit at home. Dr. Martinez told us he should never sleep without it. Do I need to go home and get it?"

"How far away is home?"

"About one hour and twenty minutes."

"No I have Doctor Martinez's number. I will call and get the setting and have one from the hospital set up for him during his stay. Ms. Broussard he is going to be alright. This stay will help us to evaluate him better and get him on the right medication for his depression and also evaluate to make sure he has PTSD."

"If!...he has PTSD. Well if he doesn't have PTSD then there is no such animal. I have known for a long time something is wrong. He has choked me in his sleep, kicked me, punched me, you name it, and he's done it. There is definitely something wrong in that department."

"Well that is why we are here. We will get him the medication he needs and the treatment to help him learn to live with PTSD. I want you to feel assured he will get the best treatment possible. Here let me write down the number to building nine the Doctor in charge is Molinar. If you have any questions that come up on your way home, or just want to check on him call this number."

With hte number in hand, I left the office and walked out of the building. I sat at a bench under a tree near where we had parked for over an hour. I just cried and cried.

What have I done? He will never forgive me for bringing him here.

The Diagnosis at the Sleep Canter (BY Jeanette)

2008-08-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Chapter 6

The Diagnosis at the Sleep Center

By Jeanette

Background
Last chapter Merlin kept the appointment with the sleep center and was scheduled to do an all night sleep study.

"Merlin, I understand that it may be uncomfortable but just think about the benefit that may happen. If you can sleep better you are bound to feel better."

"Yeah, that's all fine and dandy. I'll just be happy when all this is done." he replied.

"Do you want me to drive you down here this evening? I am coming back in the morning anyway?" I asked him.

"No, I'll drive, that way you can just go to work from here."

I drove back home and fixed a light meal so we could have an early dinner. I knew Merlin would be leaving about six to check in for seven. I was excited and yet worried. What if they didn't find anything? This was my big shot at getting him some help. If the doctor told him he could find nothing wrong, he would never let me talk him into another appointment. Lost in my worries and thoughts the afternoon flew by.

After we ate our light dinner he took a shower, grabbed his pajamas, and headed out to check in at the sleep center. That evening I spent in prayer and worry. I set the alarm for five not wanting to miss the consultation and results with Dr. Martinez.

I was up before the alarm could buzz. I headed out early. Arriving at the sleep center, I made my way to the reception area and asked if I could see Merlin.

A short time later they let me go back to join Merlin in his room. Dr. Martinez would meet us there when he made rounds. Merlin was already up and dressed when I entered the room.

"Good morning, how was your night?" I asked.

"How did you know that I have sleep apnea? They didn't even let me sleep the whole night without a b-pap machine. I don't know if I can get used to that thing though." He stated.

"What do you mean; they made you use a b-pap machine last night?"

"Yes, about two hours after I went to sleep they came in and woke me up. The nurse said I had already quit breathing over a hundred times and I need a b-pap machine immediately."

"A hundred times! Wow, that seems like an awful lot, are you sure you understood her correctly?" I asked.

"Yes, I asked her twice, they adjusted it a couple of times and then I ended up wearing it the rest of the night. I'm not sure if I slept after that. She said Dr. Martinez would be here shortly to talk to us. He's going over the tapes right now."

Just then there was a knock at the door and the nurse entered. "Can you guys come with me? Dr. Martinez wants you both to see the film of Mr. Broussard last night."

We followed her down the hall and into what looked like a control center. It had monitors for every room. Dr. Martinez was seated at one and was watching a tape. I saw that it was Merlin in bed. He paused it, and motioned us to pull up a chair. "Good morning Mr. Broussard and Ms. Broussard. We have some very interesting film here. Mr. Broussard were you ever in the military?" he asked Merlin.

"Yes, I served in Vietnam, but why are you asking?" Merlin questioned Dr. Martinez.

"Well, first of all I am ex-military also. I saw the tape and in it we have captured you in the middle of a fight. It looked a lot like combat to me and I thought that may well be what I was seeing. Let me show you the tape and all the data then we can go to my office and discuss the medical terms of what is going on," stated Dr. Martinez.

The first part of the tape he showed us was the part where Merlin had not used the b-pap machine. He showed us every time his oxygen level dropped and when Merlin quit breathing. Each time it affected his heart rate and in the video when it happened it was easy to see. Merlin begins to kick his legs and jump all over. The he would gasp loudly and cough and try and catch his breath. Merlin was correct about the hundred episodes; there had been over one hundred episodes of no breathing and heart, oxygen and blood pressure issues while they had rolled tape without the b-pap machine.

Then we came to the part Dr. Martinez had referred to about the fight. He explained that Merlin was in REM sleep when this occurred and they could tell this from the Rapid Eye Movement and also from the brain wave activity. He further explained that Merlin had never entered deep sleep. Before he ever got to that point he would have an episode of the acting out of his dreams. As we watched his sleep, Merlin got out of the bed and began attacking an invisible person on the bed. He was punching, hitting and kicking the air. The battle lasted for several minutes. He got back in bed only to repeat it over a short while later.

"Have you seen enough?" asked Dr. Martinez. I can play the whole night if you would like, but the same thing repeats over and over. Sometimes you get out of bed, sometimes you don't but you are definitely in combat in your dreams."

"What can we do to stop this?" I asked.

"Let me get a copy of this tape made for you and then we can discuss our options. Follow me and I'll show you to my office."

We followed Dr. Martinez and had a seat in front of his desk while he asked the nurse to get a copy of the tape made for us. He came back into the office and shut the door.

"Mr. Broussard, you have several issues going on at the same time. I am very surprised you can function at all during the day. You are not getting any quality rest with everything that is happening at night. Have you been depressed lately?" he asked.

"I didn't give Merlin a chance to answer, I said, "Yes, he has."

I could tell from the glare he gave me he wasn't happy but I figured I'd deal with that later. Right now I was going to make sure we told the doctor everything.

"First of all you have severe obstructive sleep apnea. It is so severe that you stop breathing over one hundred times in under two hours time. You are at risk of dying in your sleep if this condition is left untreated."

"Doc, can you explain to me what sleep apnea is?" Merlin asked.

"Sure, let me examine you and I'll explain as we go."

First he came over to Merlin and felt his neck. As he did this he explained that Merlin did not have much of a neck. It is short and thick. He explained that sometimes there is just too much tissue and when people lie down gravity pulls the airway closed. He asked Merlin to open his mouth and he used a tongue depressor and light to look in Merlin's throat.

After he was done, he explained that there are two ways of treating sleep apnea. One is with surgery. However the surgery is painful and the results are not guaranteed as the excess tissue can grow back and cause the same problems as before. The second is with a b-pap or c-pap machine. Both are portable units that blow air through a nose mask the patient wears. One has a humidifier on the unit and the other does not. The unit is calibrated or set to blow the correct amount of air to keep the patient's airway open to ensure that breathing is not affected during sleep.

"I recommend that you use a c-pap machine. We will call the insurance and let you know what the out of pocket expense will be. However, Mr. Broussard, you have to use this unit. If you do not you are at a very real and serious risk of dying in your sleep."

"Doc, if I need that machine please find out the cost and tell me where I can get one. I am going to have to learn to sleep with it, because I'm not ready to die in my sleep," Merlin stated.

I think everyone heard the sigh of relief I let out at his words.

"Secondly, I believe you have restless leg syndrome. From the time you got in bed until you got up you were constantly moving your legs. Is it like this every night?"

"Yes, pretty much. My sister has restless leg. Is it inherited?"

"Well it does seem to run in families. Do you get the feelings of pins and needles or like you have crawly sensations on your legs. Do they feel tired and you have to move them so they don't ache or tingle?" he asked.

"Yes they ache and I have to move them so they don't feel tingly."

"Well that's restless leg syndrome. I am going to give you a prescription medication that should help with the sensation and help you get a better nights rest without you having to move your legs."

"Next, I noticed you kept coughing and gagging during your bouts of the apnea. Do you experience heart burn at night?"

"Yes, I have to eat early or it gets so bad I can't go back to sleep."

"Many people with sleep apnea also have issues with reflux or gerd. I am going to make an appointment with a gastroenterologist for you to follow up. He will help us treat this issue."

"The next thing we need to talk about is your acting out your dreams. How long has this been happening?"

"Doc, I don't know." Merlin answered.

"You have REM sleep behavior Disorder. Normal sleep has 2 distinct states: non-rapid eye movement and rapid eye movement REM sleep. NREM sleep is divided into 4 stages. During REM sleep, rapid eye movements occur, breathing becomes irregular, blood pressure rises, and there is loss of muscle tone or paralysis. However, the brain is highly active, and the electrical activity recorded in the brain by EEG during REM sleep is similar to that recorded during wakefulness. REM sleep is usually associated with dreaming. REM sleep accounts for about twenty to twenty five percent of the sleep period. In a person with REM sleep behavior disorder (RBD), the paralysis that normally occurs during REM sleep is incomplete or absent, allowing the person to "act out" his or her dreams. RBD is characterized by the acting out of dreams that are vivid, intense, and violent. Dream-enacting behaviors include talking, yelling, punching, kicking, sitting, jumping from bed, arm flailing, and grabbing. We saw all the classic behaviors in your tape."

I spoke up then, "It has been a long time, as long as I've known him. I could have told you he did that because I've woken up with him punching me and even choking me. Recently one of our neighbors committed suicide and Merlin discovered his body. It seems like since then the dreams are more frequent. Just about every night now he kicks me or hits me bad enough to wake me up," I stated.

"I see. Merlin what did you do in Vietnam. What was your MOS.?"

"I was 11B40 Doc, a grunt. When I first went over I was with the First Calve. I was a tunneler and a point guy. They were sent back home about three months into my duty there, so I was transferred to the 101st. Again I was their tunneler and point guy for my squad. About a month before my time when I was short, they put me as a sweep cleaning up mine fields."

"Have you ever applied to the VA for medical benefits? You have PTSD and they need to treat you for this. It is due to the combat duty and action you experienced in Vietnam." Dr. Martinez stated.

"PTSD, what the hell is that?" Merlin blurted out before I could even say anything.

The book continues with Like A Common Criminal.. We will provide a link to it when you review this below.

Author Notes
For more information on REM sleep disorder visit:
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/rem_sleep_behavior_disorder/article_em.htm
For more information on GERD visit:
http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/gerd/
For more information on Restless Leg Syndrome visit:
http://www.rls.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?&pid=471&srcid=-2
For more information on PTSD visit:
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp

The Appointment (By Jeanette)

2008-08-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

Chapter 5

The Appointment

By Jeanette

Background
Last chapter ended with Merlin even more withdrawn after Jean committed suicide and he and Larry found his body. After staying in the bedroom day in and day out he told me that he thought maybe Jean had the right idea when he committing suicide.

"Merlin, please don't you ever say that or ever think that. You can't mean it. Think of all the pain Jean has caused for his loved ones with his suicide. He choose the easy way out for himself. Please promise me you will never try and hurt yourself! If you are thinking, of committing suicide, we need to go and see a doctor, right now! Depression can cause you to feel this way. You have been fighting this long enough alone. Please let's go now." I begged him.

"Sometimes it just feels overwhelming. I feel empty, useless. What good am I? I can't help support this family. All I am is a burden to you. I just don't know how to stop feeling like I do." He almost whispered.

"Baby, do you realize how much I love you? It hurts me so much to see you going through all this. I don't know anymore what I can say or do to try and reach you, and make you understand how much I need you. You are never, and will never be, a burden to me. You are my life. Lately, you have withdrawn so deep into yourself. Staying locked away is not the answer. Promise me you won't do anything to hurt yourself," I said.

"I won't. I just wasn't thinking, when I said that. I didn't mean it. I was just thinking that now Jean is resting. He has no more problems. I don't want to go see a doctor today. I will go to the appointment Monday, if that will make you feel better," he answered.

"Thank you, I know it is hard for you to go, but you'll see. I have a feeling this doctor will be able to help us. You know the more you lock yourself away the worst it gets. You have to get out. All you do is sit, and think. At least if you get out and do something it will take your mind off things for a little while. Please, let's go out and just do something, anything. It is a start. It is a first step for you to begin to get out of this depression. What do you enjoy doing that you could take up as a hobby? I think that would help you also."

Merlin was silent for a while, then finally after what seemed like forever he got out of bed and said, "Okay, where do you want to go?"

"I don't know, you want me to call and see if Gerri and Jr. are home, maybe we could stop by for a visit, then we can go to Prejean's and have a bite to eat?."

"That sounds good." Merlin said as he grabbed his pants from the closet.

I called Gerri, they were home so we headed to their house. We spent the greater part of the day visiting with them. Jr. even had Merlin laughing at times during the visit. After we left we went to get dinner at Prejean's. It is a local Cajun restaurant, and I knew it was one of Merlin's favorite spots. He ate better that night than I had seen him eat in many days.

"It was a good day, I enjoyed spending time with you," I told him as we got ready for bed later.

"Me too, it was nice getting out," he answered.

Sunday morning I was up early and prepared a big breakfast. I woke Merlin, and the children, and asked them to come to the kitchen for breakfast.
We had a nice family breakfast. Then, all too soon Merlin was back in bed just sitting in the dark once again. Going into the room I asked, "Hey want to watch a movie or something?"

"No, I'm not feeling great today, I think I'll just lie around," he answered.

"Alright, but I wish you wouldn't stay in bed all day. I think it just makes things worst," I told him.

Having plenty of household chores to do I kept busy through the day. I didn't want to leave him home alone.

"I set the alarm for seven in the morning so we have enough time to get ready before the appointment. Good night, I love you."

The only answer that came for his side of the bed was the usual, "Uh hum,"

That evening, I prayed for hours, asking that our appointment the next day would lead us in the right direction to get him the help he needed.

At seven sharp the alarm began buzzing. I got out of bed and made a pot of coffee. Going back into the bed room, I saw that Merlin was still in bed in the same position as before. "Baby, did you hear the alarm?" I asked loudly not wanting to have to touch him to wake him. You never know when he might come out swinging.

"Yeah, I heard it. I'll get up in a minute."

After I dressed and fixed my hair into a more presentable mess, I headed to the kitchen. I prepared two cups of coffee, and brought one into the bedroom. Merlin was by then sitting up in bed. He took the cup and mumbled thanks.

About thirty minutes later he came out of the bedroom dressed. He hadn't shaved, I was not about to say a thing. I didn't care what he looked like, just so he went to the appointment. At nine thirty we got into my Jeep and headed to the doctor's office.

During the drive over to the office, he was fussing about how long it would take, and he wasn't waiting all morning. His appointment time was ten, and he insisted he would only wait thirty minutes past ten, he was leaving after that.

"What important appointment do you have after this one?" I asked.

"None, but that's not the point. Why give appointments, if they are going to make you wait all day," he stated angrily. He had always had a problem with waiting, he never would wait in a line.

When we entered the waiting room I said, "Grab a seat and I'll go sign you in, and let them copy my insurance card."

I went up to the window and signed his name on the arrival list, then I handed the receptionist the paper work from my purse. It was the paperwork they had faxed to my office, the one that were to be filled out before the appointment. She copied my insurance card and driver's license, handing them back she said, "Have a seat and we'll be calling him shortly."

After about five minutes a nurse came to the door and called, "Maryland Broussard."

Before she had finished saying his name, he exploded. "We send you to school and you can't even read! He told her. The name is Merlin, what part of that spelling don't you understand." he snapped at her.

To say I was embarrassed is an understatement. The nurse, poor little sweetie, was glowing red in the face. "I'm very sorry Mr. Broussard, I didn't mean to say your name incorrectly," she apologized. Please follow me and I will check you blood pressure, and weight. Then I will put you into an examination room for you to see the doctor.

We followed her down the hall, stopping at a station set up for vitals. After she was done she led us to examination room one. Once she had closed the door, and we were alone I said, "Merlin that was mean and rude, speaking to her like that. You embarrassed me, and her also."

"Well how can she be a nurse if she can't even read!" he stated.

I let the subject drop, not wanting to argue. A short time later there was a knock on the door and in came the Doctor.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Martinez, nice to meet you Mr. Broussard, Ms Broussard. I have reviewed the paper work you submitted. I think we need to schedule an overnight sleep study. It indicates you have very loud snoring, and also that you sometimes fight and kick in your sleep. I also noticed that you often wake up coughing, and have heart burn most nights."

"Well, yes, but do you think an overnight stay is necessary?" Merlin asks.

"Yes, the sleep center is equipped with monitors that track you breathing, heart rate, and oxygen level. In addition we track your brain waves to make sure you are getting into deep sleep patterns. Each session is video taped. I can go in and view the areas of the tape where you experience any issues. This will allow me to make an accurate diagnosis and properly diagnose and treat the issues we find. You will arrive at seven tonight, and tomorrow morning we will let you leave at seven. We usually only need a one night study. There have been a few times we have requested a daytime study, to see if someone is having trouble staying awake and alert during waking hours. It is also possible we may need to do a second night, only if we have trouble adjusting you to a c-pap or b-pap if one is needed. However, this is not the normal situation. Only people with multiple sleep problems and severe sleep apnea are requested to come back. That is to make sure we are treating them adequately. These c-pap and b-pap's are small portable units that we use to treat sleep apnea patients. The machine is calibrated to a level of air that will blow into a nose mask. The patient wears it at night, the air flow keeps the patients airway open so that they do not have problems with breathing. The cost of this testing is usually covered by insurance. It is considered outpatient, and many insurances cover it at one hundred percent. My nurse will call and pre-approve the test with your insurance. She will let you know if any cost is involved beyond what the insurance will pay.

"Alright Doc, if you need to run this test, I'll be here this evening." Merlin answers sullenly.

"Do you have any questions? If not I'll see you in the morning before you leave the sleep center. We can discuss the results then," stated Doctor. Martinez. "Please stop at the nurse's desk so she can make the needed arrangements before you leave."

"Dr. Martinez, can I be here in the morning? I would like to be here for the results." I said.

"Sure Ms. Broussard, that won't be a problem."

He handed me the folder and we exited the exam room, and made our way to the nurse's desk. After about ten minutes she was off the phone with the insurance.

"I have good news. Since this is considered out-patient your insurance will cover the test at one hundred percent," she informed us.

"Great, is there anything else or can we go?" I asked.

"Yes, I want to take you on a tour of one of the study rooms. That way you will know ahead of time what to expect."

We followed her into another area of the office and out into a back corridor. We walked through a lobby at the other side of the floor. She introduced Merlin to the receptionist saying, "Mr. Broussard will be here this evening for a sleep study. Can you tell me which room he will be assigned? I want to take him for a tour and explain all the equipment."

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Broussard, it is nice to meet you both. Mr. Broussard you will be assigned to room five. There is no one in there now, so you may complete the tour," she stated.

Entering the room I noted it was very plush and had its own bathroom.

Lilly, the nurse, began to explain about that evenings test, "Mr. Broussard, as you can see we have furnished the rooms to feel more like a private homes bedroom. We want you to be comfortable, and get some sleep. If you don't then we can't complete the test. The doctor will prescribe a light sedative, if you are nervous or find you have trouble getting to sleep just ask for it. It is very mild and only helps you get to sleep. Once you are in bed for the night we will connect these pads to various location on your scalp, face, chest, feet and other areas. These monitor the pulse, heart, and brain waves so we can see when and if you get into deep sleep and REM sleep. REM sleep is rapid eye movement and it is an indication that you are in a dream. During this time your body should not be able to carry out your dreams. When this happens it is known as REM disorder. We also place this oxygen monitor on your finger to track you oxygen level. All told we will know all reactions your body has during the evening. If you look above the Television you will see a small black circle. This is a camera lens and it will record you through the night," she started.

"Well what if I need to go to the restroom do these cords reach? Does the camera have audio?" he asked.

"Yes it does, if you are concerned about natural body sounds like gas, please don't be. We have done this for years and it is a part of the bodily process. It is nothing to be embarrassed about as it is beyond your control when you sleep." she stated.

"Can you think of any other questions Mr. Broussard? Here's my card, if you think of any after you leave please feel free to give me a call. We want you to understand the process. It is painless and will be well worth your time. With this data Dr. Martinez will be able to make an accurate diagnosis, and treat you properly if needed. If you have no other questions I'll show you out and we'll see you this evening at seven sharp."

"Thank you for the tour and making us comfortable by explaining all this." I said, as we exited the office and headed to the elevators.

The door had not finished shutting on the office, when he exploded.

"I told you this doctor was a quack. How can he know I need this test, having only seen me one time? This is a money racket." he yelled.

"All I can say is that you are coming. There is no way you are getting out of this. First of all it was a detailed questionnaire I completed. They asked many questions about your sleep time. He based his decision on that. Dr. Martinez treats only sleep disorders. He is the best in this area. He knows what he is doing. Besides it will all be on tape. If you think he's lying, we can ask to see the tape, or for a copy of it," I stated.

"That's easy for you to say. You're not going to be the one connected to all those machines. I knew this was a bad idea."

"Well if my hunch proves wrong, I will be the first to say I was wrong after we get the results. Besides, it won't cost us anything and it will make me rest better, and not worry so much." I stated.

"Easy for you to say, you're not the guinea pig being wired up!" He stated angrily.

The book continues with The Diagnosis at the Sleep Center. We will provide a link to it when you review this below.

Author Notes
Sleep Apnea:

The Greek word "apnea" literally means "without breath." There are three types of apnea: obstructive, central, and mixed; of the three, obstructive is the most common. Despite the difference in the root cause of each type, in all three, people with untreated sleep apnea stop breathing repeatedly during their sleep, sometimes hundreds of times during the night and often for a minute or longer.

Obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) is caused by a blockage of the airway, usually when the soft tissue in the rear of the throat collapses and closes during sleep. In central sleep apnea, the airway is not blocked but the brain fails to signal the muscles to breathe. Mixed apnea, as the name implies, is a combination of the two. With each apnea event, the brain briefly arouses people with sleep apnea in order for them to resume breathing, but consequently sleep is extremely fragmented and of poor quality.

Sleep apnea is very common, as common as adult diabetes, and affects more than twelve million Americans, according to the National Institutes of Health. Risk factors include being male, overweight, and over the age of forty, but sleep apnea can strike anyone at any age, even children. Yet still because of the lack of awareness by the public and healthcare professionals, the vast majority remain undiagnosed and therefore untreated, despite the fact that this serious disorder can have significant consequences.

Untreated, sleep apnea can cause high blood pressure and other cardiovascular disease, memory problems, weight gain, impotency, and headaches. Moreover, untreated sleep apnea may be responsible for job impairment and motor vehicle crashes. Fortunately, sleep apnea can be diagnosed and treated. Several treatment options exist, and research into additional options continues.

Symptoms
The signs and symptoms of obstructive and central sleep apneas overlap, sometimes making the type of sleep apnea more difficult to determine. The most common signs and symptoms of obstructive and central sleep apneas include:

Excessive daytime sleepiness (hypersomnia)
Loud snoring, which is usually more prominent in obstructive sleep apnea
Observed episodes of breathing cessation during sleep
Abrupt awakenings accompanied by shortness of breath, which more likely indicates central sleep apnea
Awakening with a dry mouth or sore throat
Morning headache
Difficulty staying asleep (insomnia)
Night time heartburn and waking up coughfing with reflux from the stomach frequently during the night.
For more information on sleep apnea visit:
http://www.sleepapnea.org/info/index.html

Maybe Jean had the Right Idea (By Jeanette)

2008-08-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

Chapter 4

Maybe Jean had the Right Idea

By Jeanette

Background
Last chapter I arrive at home after getting a phone call from Merlin. He and Larry have just found Jean's body. Jean has committed suicide.

Merlin tries to explain to me the events that led to the discovery of Jean's body.

"I waited on the porch this morning, but he never came over for coffee. His truck has been parked where it is now all morning. When Larry came home for lunch I asked him if Jean was sick today, because I hadn't seen him outside, and he had never come over for our usual cup of coffee. When he walked back toward the house he yelled to me that he was in his truck, saying he could see the top of his head. Larry yelled his name, but Jean didn't move. We thought maybe he had a heart attack, so we rushed over to the truck. When I got to the passengers side I could see the hole where the bullet had come out," he was sobbing uncontrollably again.

I just kept rubbing his back and trying to comfort him. I know he needs to get all this pain and grief out. He cries for some time. I go into the house and get him a bottle of water and some tissue. Coming back out I see that he is still on his rocker, and still sobbing. I let him cry and talk. Through sobs he is trying to tell me the events.

"So much blood, and brains and everywhere, in the cab. I don't know how long he's been in there. He's been there a while because he was already cold when we found him. I guess he didn't want to do that in his little house. So he decided on his truck. How will they ever get all that out? They are going to have to junk the truck. It was all behind the seat...."

He breaks down into sobs again.

I ask him, "Let's go in the house. It will be quieter inside."

"No the officer has to come and get my statement. He said he would be a while because they are still investigating. The coroner has not even taken the body yet," he replies still crying.

I am at a loss as to how to console him. I have never seen him like this. Not even when his father passed away. He was somber then, but I have never seen him cry like this. I know he and Jean were close, but I never thought this would hit him so hard. I know he saw a lot in Vietnam, maybe because it is a close friend, seeing Jean hit him even harder.

Two hours later, the coroner pulls out followed by the hearse. The officer walks over and gets Merlin's statement. After he leaves, I again ask if he wants to go in. He refuses and sits there staring at Jean's truck.

"I wish they would move that truck, just take it away. I can't stand to see his truck there. Every time I look at it I can still see the top of his head barely visible over the back of the seat," again he is crying.

Through the afternoon and early evening many people come to Jean's house and his sister's house. She lives next door to Jean. Some stop and visit with us before leaving. Larry walks over to speak with Merlin. I go inside while Larry is visiting and fix us some sandwiches. After he leaves I bring Merlin's out, but he doesn't want it. As I sit with him I realize that he is even more withdrawn then ever. At ten he finally comes inside with me. He takes a shower and goes straight to bed. I tell him I can take time off for the service, so we can attend.

"No, I can't go," he says.

That is all he ever said on the subject of the service. He refused to attend the wake or funeral. Over the next week I try to talk with him, but he is even more withdrawn and doesn't talk anymore, unless I pressure him with a question.

After the second week of this I know I have to do something. The appointment with the sleep center is the coming Monday, and I am concerned that he keeps it.

That Friday I arrange to take the day off on Monday.

Saturday morning, I get up and dress and ask him if he want to go out and eat or do something. I want to get Merlin out of the house.

"If you want to go, you go. I don't feel well, and I'm staying right here," he answers.

"You have not left the house since the day Jean committed suicide. You stay in bed round the clock. Merlin, you can't live like this. I know it hurt you losing Jean, but he wouldn't want you to do this. Your appointment for the sleep clinic is Monday and we are going!" I say.

He just looks me straight in the eye and says, "Maybe Jean had the right idea."

Finding Jean (By Jeanette)

2008-08-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

Chapter 3
Finding Jean

By Jeanette

Background
Last chapter I went to the VA and applied for Merlin's medical benefits. I also made him an appointment with a sleep doctor. Now I have to convince him that he has to keep the appointment.

When we reach the office I go in and speak with my boss, Mike, about what is going on.

He is very understanding and tells me if I need to take time off not to worry about work. We can work around my needed time off. I thank him, and return to my office to finish my day's work.

Later, on my way home, I run through my head a million ways to tell Merlin I have made him an appointment with the sleep center. I am going to insist that he keeps it. If not, then I am leaving. No more if's, and's, or but's. He is keeping this appointment or else.

As I pull up in the drive way the house is dark and I dread the coming confrontation. I unlock the door and switch on the light. He is not in the living room or kitchen. I make my way to the bedroom and switch the light on when I enter.

"Hey, how was your day?" I ask him.

"Same old thing," he replies.

"Want anything special for dinner tonight?" I ask.

"No, I'm not hungry."

I ask,"What did you eat today?"

"I just grabbed a sandwich this afternoon," he answers.

I walk over to my side of the bed and slip off my shoes and climb up and sit with my back against the headboard. "I went to the VA today and filed for your benefits."

"What did they say? That I don't have any?" he asks.

"No, I have the copy of your DD214. It does say "medical benefits waived", but I asked about that and it only meant waived for the time you would have served if you hadn't gotten the early out."

"Well they never told me that. When are they going to start the benefit?" Merlin asks.

"Well we did all the paperwork today, they have to send it in and it has to be reviewed, and then a decision made. They will send you a letter confirming or denying within six to eight weeks," I answer.

"Hum, just like the army. That's about right; all they believe in is paperwork. It will take forever to hear from them. I bet we never hear back again. When they draft you and you don't go, they come get your ass. Don't you ever expect to get any help from them. It's the same old game of 'hurry up and wait'." Merlin says angrily.

"Well, if we don't hear back I'll go back to the office to see what's the hold up. Anyway, I made you an appointment with a sleep doctor today. Before you get bent out of shape, we have insurance and we'll put it on the insurance. That's what insurance is for." I stated.

"I'm not going to see a shrink! I don't need to go see a Doctor!" he yells.

"Before you get carried away, he is not a shrink. Dr. Martinez sees many of the drivers at work for sleep apnea. He specializes in sleep disorders. He will be able to tell us if you have any sleep disorders that make you act out your dreams."

"You can just cancel that appointment, because I'm not going!" he yells.

"I turn and face him, eye to eye and very calmly tell him, "You have a choice and you can choose not to go, but if you do then you are choosing not to have me and the children around any more. I will no longer live this way."

He starts to speak and I put my hand up and say, "Before you go on, I have something I want you to understand, please let me finish then you can talk all you want. However, my mind is made up and I am not changing it. Either you go or you leave. I work all day twelve to fifteen hours a day. Most of the time, it's fifteen hours shifts. I get home and you are sitting in the dark, day after day. I have never told you a word about not working, I love you and I know that you can work. Now we have gotten to the point where these dreams are getting out of hand. You won't talk to me or the children. I ask what's wrong and you never answer, or say nothing. I'm telling you these dreams are affecting more than just the night time. They are affecting your whole life. They have gotten worse and you don't want to do anything or see anyone. You are withdrawn and won't talk. I'm not changing my mind. Either you work with me to see what is causing all this or there won't be an 'us' any longer. I love you and I hate to see you like this. You have to see what is wrong!"

He just lay on the bed for a long time and didn't talk. We both did, just lost in our own thoughts. After a while I got up out of the bed and said, "I am going to fix something for dinner. If you need me I'll be in the kitchen".

The children came home. We ate our meal just the three of us. We watch some television. I finished cleaning the kitchen. I even dusted the living room and swept the floor, trying to delay going back into the bedroom and the confrontation that was going to happen. When I did go into the bedroom his back was to the door and my side of the bed. I grabbed my night wear and went into the bath and had a nice long soak. When I walked into the bedroom all the lights were off. The television was off. He seemed to be sleeping. I climbed into bed. He never said a word.

Early the next morning, at two the alarm clock buzzed. I was tired but managed to drag myself out of bed. I had not slept much, having tossed and turned most of the night. I got dressed and headed to work. I had early morning safety meetings to give.

About ten that morning I was in my office and the phone rang.

"This is Jeanette, how may I help you?"

All I could hear was sobbing and then I realized it was Merlin trying to talk. But he is crying so hard I was having trouble hearing him.

"Baby, what's wrong? Are you alright? Merlin, Merlin, answer me!"

"Jean....I... we....me and Larry we just found him. He shot himself! He's dead."

"I'm heading home. I'll be there in a few minutes. Just stay there."

Jean is our neighbor who lives across the street from the house. He is an older gentleman and a bachelor. He was born with a leg shorter than the other and is very shy. I have never spoken to him, but he is related to Merlin through his father's side, though it is a distant relation. He and Merlin are friends. Some days when Merlin is up to it, after I leave for work, they have coffee. Either, Merlin goes over or Jean comes to the house and they chat over coffee.

I told the receptionist that I was leaving due to a family emergency and headed home.

When I arrive there are police cars everywhere and an ambulance. The road is blocked and I have to park down the street and walk to the house. Merlin is sitting on the porch and his head is in his hands and he is literally sobbing.

I walk up the steps and go straight to him and hug him around the shoulders. He looks up and starts telling me what happened, between sobs.

Filing for Benefits with VA! (By Jeanette)

2008-08-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

Chapter 2
Filing for Benefits with VA!

By Jeanette

Background
Last chapter ended with Merlin in a dream chocking me. I struggle to try and wake him up before I black out.

With all of the strength I can muster I swing my hand, aiming for his face. I connect and I see the glassy look in his eye suddenly change.

Disoriented, he looks at me, then his gaze falls down to his hands around my throat. He jumps off of me and out of bed.

I am gasping to catch my breath, and my throat feels like it is on fire. I cough, gasp and slowly begin to feel the air reaching my lungs. Merlin stands at the side of the bed, and he is visibly shaking.

When I finally can, I croak out, "You were dreaming," between coughs and gasps. He is pale and sweat is dripping from his body. I begin to sit up higher in bed, and hang my legs over. "Can you get me a bottle of water?" I ask.

Quickly, he leaves the room to return with the water. He stands at my side and is rambling on. "I'm so sorry. I could have hurt you. What's wrong with me? How can I do something like that and not know it."

On and on he goes, and I signal him to stop. Putting my hand up, I am hoping he will wait until I catch my breath. He just continues.

After what seems like forever, I can finally begin to talk, but my voice is still raspy and off key. "I know you didn't mean it. Now will you let me make an appointment for you to see someone about this problem? Something is going on with you during your sleep."

"Okay, but I'm not going to a shrink, I'm not crazy." he yells.

"I never said that you are crazy. I just think there is something going on. You have these nightmares and act them out, then can't remember them. I just think something is wrong." I answered. "Do you want me to see if you can go to the VA.? I know you are worried about the cost. They will accept the insurance. At least they did when daddy went."

"I told you before, I can't go, my DD214 states I waived my medical rights," he yells.

"Merlin I have tried to tell you, you can't waive away a future event. I have been doing safety long enough to know that. That's why people with back problems can't sign a waiver not to sue if they go to work with a bad back. At lease let me check and see," I tell him.

"Alright, but I'm telling you that's what the paper states," he says. He takes his pillow and heads for the sofa to finish the night out there.

I sit in bed with my back against the head board and consider what just happened. I end up getting choked and he's angry. Don't get me wrong, I feel better that he is no longer going to be in bed with me for the night, but why is he angry with me. I didn't make this happen. I know he didn't mean to do this but neither did I.

The next morning as I dress for work I see the bruises on my neck. I put on a scarf and tie it in a knot to the side in an attempt to hide them. Not that I'm ashamed of them, but I have meetings today and I don't need all the questions. Besides, how is it going to look for a Safety Manager to show up looking like she's been in a fight? Not very safe I would say.

I take an early lunch after speaking with my boss and head down town to the local VA Administration office. I walk in and there's a secretary doing some typing, seated behind the desk. I ask her if this is where I file for benefits for my husband to begin seeing a doctor. She says yes and takes my name. I wait for a few minutes and then a man comes out from the back area and calls out, 'Broussard'.

I stand up and he leads me to his office. I explain what I need, and he asks for Merlin's DD214. I tell him I don't have a copy, but that I have his social security number. He looks it up and prints off a DD214. Making a copy of it he hands it to me, and places the original print out in a folder he has made for the application.

I begin to read the DD214 and sure enough at the bottom in bold type it states "waived medical rights". I ask him about it. He explains that because of Merlin's combat duty and service time overseas he qualified for an early out of a few days. The waiver was that he waived the medical benefits for that time period. I knew they couldn't ask him to waive it forever, into the future.

He completes the paper work and asks what Merlin needs to see the Doctor about and I untie the scarf and explain what has been going on. He writes something in the file and says we can expect to know something in the next six to eight weeks. He explains that medical benefits are on a first come first serve basis and that if someone who is disabled because of a service connected reason needs medical help, they go first.

I leave the office and head back to work. On the drive back, I am so deep in thought I forget a stop light and run right through red. When I realize what I have done I pull into a gas station, and just sit in my car and cry.

It's just too much. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. After about an hour of crying I'm still shaken and sobbing. I can't go home, Merlin is home and I don't want him to see me like this. I can't go back to the office like this. I decide to call the office and ask Mike, my boss for the afternoon off. I dial the phone and Carol answers.

Carol is one of my close friends, and she also happens to work with me. Immediately she asks what's wrong. I break down sobbing again. She asks where I am, and says to stay put she is heading my way. She doesn't want me driving this upset.

About thirty minutes later she drives up and parks beside me. She gets out of the car and goes into the store. Returning she has a bottle of water and she hands it to me. She tells me to lock my Jeep and get in with her. I ask her where we are going and she says we're going to get a cup of coffee at a little cafe down the road. I tell her I don't want to be in a public restaurant like this.

She say's "Don't worry they are deserted at this time of day." I climb in and we head to the caf©.

A few minutes later we are sitting in the back corner of the secluded cafe and have cups of coffee in our hands.

"I forgot to ask Mike if I could take the afternoon off. I better call him," I say.

"No, you don't need to do that, I let him know that you were upset and I was heading this way to talk to you. I hope you don't mind?" Carol asks me.

"Thanks for coming. You're the best friend I've ever had, but I don't want to dump all my problems on you," I tell her, sobbing again.

"Come on, you know I'm here for you. Haven't you done the same for me! Now what's going? What has he done this time?" she asks.

Once I start talking, there's no stopping. It just comes pouring out, everything that has been going on and steadily getting worse over the past month.

"It's everything. Like you know he hasn't been able to work now for several years. I get home most days and he's sitting in the dark. No TV, in the dark, just sitting there. I ask him what's wrong and he just shrugs his shoulders and says nothing. The children are either working or away with friends most afternoons. They avoid getting home before me. When he does talk to them it is to harass them about their rooms, or fuss because they had friends over and the music was too loud. He never talks to them or me. You remember when we went to the funeral the other day? Well I get up to the front near the casket and look around and I can't find Merlin. After looking in the kitchen area, I asked someone to check the bathrooms. He wasn't there. Finally I decide to walk back to the truck and see if he's there. I found him passed out half way under the driver's door. He could have been run over by the next car if they had left. I wanted to bring him to the emergency room. He never would go. He said it was just a bug or something. You know how he is at events we attend. He will leave the group and go off alone. I hate that he does it, the other managers must think he's a snob. He hates to go places. If we go out to eat, he always has to sit with his back to a wall and he watches the door. I even jokingly asked him if he was with the mob. He got pissed off about that one. He said he just likes to see when people come in. We can't do a family meal anymore, not even for the holidays. Children crying get him too nervous. He will leave us and lock himself in our bedroom. Now how do you explain that to your family? They think he's just a jerk. But Carol, I know he has his ways, we all do, but something just isn't right. I don't know what, but I'm telling you it just has gotten worse since he injured his neck and shoulder at work and can't work anymore. He's not the man I married. He has changed so much."

"Sweetie, you just may have to face the fact that he is an asshole. Maybe he's not the one for you. You can make it on your own. Why don't you leave him? You would be better off. You and he are opposites. You're out going, and he's a loner. I have watched you go through so much with him. Are you happy?" Carol asks me.

"Well no, not really. But I love him. I just can't leave him. How will he live? He can't work. What will happen to him?"

"That's your problem, you're too soft hearted. He's making your life miserable, at least try a separation. Jeanette, if that doesn't wake him up nothing will."

I take off my scarf and show her my neck. I tell her what happened the night before and that I had just filed for his VA benefits.

"The guy at the VA said it will be six to eight weeks before we know. I can't wait that long. What if I can't wake him up next time?"

"You have to get out of there before he hurts you. Now come on! Jeanette I will never believe he was asleep when he did that. How could he not have woken up?" Carol asks me in concern.

"I don't know. His eyes were open, but they were fixed and glazed. When I hit him, he snapped out of it. I could tell because he eyes changed. I don't know but he scared the hell out of me last night. I thought I was a goner," I stated.

"Well the only thing I can say is use your insurance and find him a doctor. You can't wait six weeks much less eight. He needs to go before you really get hurt."

"Well I had wanted to send him to a sleep center for a study. Some of the guys have sleep apnea and go to a Dr. Martinez at Lady of Lourdes Medical Center. He specializes in sleep disorders. I think he would know what is wrong with him, his dreaming and not remembering and acting the dream out." I answered.

Carol gets up from the table and goes to the check-out counter and asks to borrow the phone book. Before we leave the coffee shop I call the office and make and appointment for Merlin.

"Well at least they can see him in about two weeks," I say as we get into her car and head to pick up my Jeep.

"Now all I have to do is convince him to go."

The book continues with Finding Jean.. We will provide a link to it when you review this below.

Author Notes
Thankfully over the past few years some of the procedures have canged and it has become quicker and easier to file for benifits. This is mostly due to the current war and returning soldiers needing benifits. If you need to file for benifits below is the list of steps or you can visit this website for more information.
http://www.va.gov/healtheligibility/application/

You can apply for VA health care, Nursing Home, Domiciliary or Dental Benefits by completing VA Form 10-10EZ, Application for Health Benefits. Be sure you sign and date the application. You can obtain this form by:

Accessing our web site, www.va.gov/1010EZ.htm, or
Visiting, calling or writing any VA health care facility or Veterans Benefits Office. or
Calling VA???s Health Benefits Service Center, toll free at 877-222-VETS (8387), Monday through Friday between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. eastern
If you are applying in person at any VA medical center, you can request an appointment for medical care at the same time you apply for enrollment ??? there is no need to wait to request an appointment before your enrollment is confirmed. Additionally, you can indicate on the VA Form 10-10EZ if you desire an appointment and when your application is processed at the medical center, an appointment will be scheduled for you. You will be notified in writing of your appointment and your eligibility for medical care. For veterans requesting care for a service-connected disability, those appointments have a higher priority (see below) and will be scheduled within 30 days of the desired date.

Night Time Terror (BY Jeanette)

2008-08-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1
Night Time Terror!

By Jeanette

I met Merlin in 1978 at his sister's wedding. She married my brother. He was married to his first wife at the time, and Glenn his son was only 3 years old.

I was married to my first husband.

Time changes things and in nineteen eighty-nine, I divorced James. Merlin was already divorced by then and was living with his mother.

We worked together for a number of years and over time became friends. That's how it all started in January of 1992. I was in love with him. He had other irons on the fire, he was seeing someone from the office named Janie. She went on vacation without him to Cancun. When she came back she was full of stories about the men she had slept with while on vacation, just telling anyone who would listen what fun she had. One of these guys was calling her all day long. Here I was in love with the one she was seeing, and she was cheating on him. I would never have dared tell him. He eventually found out and they split.

One Sunday several months later he showed up at my house. His ex-wife had called him and informed him to come and get their son. She was remarried with two children from the second marriage and Glenn and his stepfather did not see eye to eye. He was fifteen years old and had a chip on his shoulder the size of Texas. He was getting in trouble at school and had a bad attitude. Needless to say when Merlin knocked, I faced both of them on my doorstep. I made a pot of coffee and we talked while Glenn and Amy, my daughter, listened to music in her room. Merlin was telling me about what was going on with Glenn at school and the problems he was having with his step father. Merlin was a truck driver and he left for work at two am. He was planning on getting a rental house in the little town where I lived, so Glenn could continue at the same school.

My soft heart just melted and I said, "Well you know Glenn and Amy take the same bus. Why don't you let him stay with me during the week and I can get him and Amy off to school every day. You know at his age he won't be able to get up on his own anyway. You leave for work at two in the morning."

We finally came to an agreement and Glenn moved in with Amy and me. Wow, was that a fight. Amy had always been an only child and suddenly she had to share her space and life with someone else, just a few years older than she was. They fought every day. Every day was something. Merlin would come over and have supper with us and then he'd be there on weekends and we'd do the family thing. At the time we were seeing each other, we had not told anyone. We didn't want to tell the children in case it didn't work out.

One Friday night he showed up with all his clothes and that was that. He moved in and we have been a part of each others lives since that day. Before then the children had a feeling what was going on because they would always ask me if I loved him and I would answer "we're just friends." They still sometimes ask me if we are still "JUST friends" and of course I say "yes."

It was pretty clear from early on he was different from the men I knew. The first time we made love he ended that evening by telling me he had only loved two women in his life and that would be all he would love. You know I cried for days after that. I was so devastated. He never said "I love you." It took him from nineteen ninety-two until two thousand-two to finally say those words to me. Though,, he always showed me by the way he treated me and the things he said and did. When I said, "I love you", his answer was always me too or Uh hum. It was difficult not hearing the words, I cried many nights wondering, if I was just convenient.

In time I came to think of him as moody. The children would get angry at him. They would ask me "Why do you stay with him?" He had multiple issues going on. Many days he would get home and go straight to bed. Not visiting, not talking, he would just lay in bed in the dark. He hated to be in a crowd. If I had something going on at work he refused to come, or if he came, I would find him outside, alone. He hated big family meals and get togethers, even on holidays it was an issue. If we went out to eat, he had to sit with his back against a wall where he could look at the door. Once we went to a funeral and he passed out. After that he refused to go into a funeral home.

I knew he was a Vietnam Veteran, I never realized his problems could have anything to do with his service time in Vietnam. That is until I sent him to see a sleep doctor for the night problems he was having.

From the first time we shared a bed, I knew night time was going to be an issue. The first thing I noticed was, if I rolled over in bed and accidentally touched him, I was in trouble, He would come out punching. He also kicked violently. Many nights he was kicking me. On most mornings I had bruises on my legs and hips. He also had dreams. He always said he didn't remember what he dreamed. One night I woke up and he was punching me in the face. I was fighting him off and trying to wake him. When he did wake he was so upset, he was shaking violently. Still he couldn't remember the dream. Another time he threw our three pound Yorkie against the wall in his sleep. The worst time I remember was one night right before I made the appointment with the sleep center.

.~.~.~.~.~. .~.~.~.~.~. .~.~.~.~.~. .~.~.~.~.~. .~.~.~.~.~. .~.~.~.~.~. .~.~.

I climb into bed pulling the covers up over my body. I have to be covered to be able to sleep. Wiggling around I find a comfortable spot before falling asleep.

"Good night, I love you."

He's not going to say it.... he never does. I bet tonight he says, "me too", I thought.

"Me too, good night." Merlin replies.

Suddenly I wake with Merlin on top of me, he straddles me. My arms are stuck under the covers and he puts his hands around my neck and starts choking me.

I struggle to pull my arms free. I try to pick up my hips and buck him off. I can't budge him. I can't scream or breathe. I try to kick but my legs are under the covers. With his weight on me, I can't do anything. I keep pushing my back up in a bucking motion trying to knock him off. The only sound coming from my mouth is not what you would call a scream. My vision is starting to go black. I'm close to drifting into unconsciousness. With all my might, I finally free my right hand. I pull it back and swing for his face praying I can hit him hard enough to wake him up.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder By Proxy (Prologue by Jeanette)

2008-08-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

PTSD BY Proxy

Prologue- What is PTSD?

If you or someone you love has ever been through combat duty or another traumatic event in their life, you may have experienced some of the effects or symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Have you ever wondered what the aftermath of such a life changing experience is for the victim or family and friends? I will take you there in this book. It is the story of my experience with this disease and the effect it has on my family. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is defined as - an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes.

People with PTSD may startle easily, become emotionally numb (especially in relation to people with whom they used to be close), lose interest in things they used to enjoy, have trouble feeling affectionate, be irritable, or become more aggressive or become violent. They avoid situations that remind them of the original incident, and anniversaries of the incident are often very difficult. PTSD symptoms seem to be worse if the event that triggered them was deliberately initiated by another person, as in a mugging or a kidnapping. Most people with PTSD repeatedly relive the trauma in their thoughts during the day and in nightmares when they sleep. These are called flashbacks. Flashbacks may consist of images, sounds, smells, or feelings, and are often triggered by ordinary occurrences, such as a door slamming or a car backfiring on the street. A person having a flashback may lose touch with reality and believe that the traumatic incident is happening all over again.

Not every traumatized person develops full-blown or even minor PTSD. Symptoms usually begin within three months of the incident but occasionally emerge years afterward. They must last more than a month to be considered PTSD. The course of the illness varies. Some people recover within six months, while others have symptoms that last much longer. In some people, the condition becomes chronic.

PTSD affects about 7.7 million American adults, but it can occur at any age, including childhood. Women are more likely to develop PTSD than men, and there is some evidence that susceptibility to the disorder may run in families. PTSD is often accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or one or more of the other anxiety disorders.

I am writing this book in hopes that it may help someone who is having these issues within their life, It is also possible that a loved one may have PTSD and they may not even realize what the cause of the problem is. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This book will take you through the diagnosis of my husband's PTSD which was due to his combat experiences in Vietnam. The story will go forward through the starting of his treatment to current.

Not all Veterans have this issue, but for the ones that do it is a very disabling disease. It can make life a living hell for everyone involved. We were never told of this disease by anyone, not the Military, the VA, or even other Veterans. Hopefully our experience may help bridge the gap and make it easier for others to realize what is going on and seek assistance.